My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
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You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
birds and squirrels envy us
The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.
Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
A small tragedy.
Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
Happy Caturday!
Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.