My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
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i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?