When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
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My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.
Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
You can’t rush stupid.
I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!
Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”