@amydillon: My life these days is basically the "before" segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
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@ojedge: [train] MAN EATING NUTS: "Want one?" [offers bag] MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: "May I have… seven?" [coat rustles excitedly]
@panmidwest: Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex's name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
@MUMSIEesq: Anytime I pass an unlocked minivan I throw a few of my kids' most annoying toys in the trunk.
@tastefactory: INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths? APPLICANT: I'm a detail-oriented team player [nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]