My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
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I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor
How it started: How it’s going:
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
ODE TO TWITTER
🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶
God: you’re a zebra.
Zebra: nice!
God: you have black stripes.
Zebra: like a tiger?
God: yes exactly!
Zebra: so we’re the same!
God: no.
Zebra: why not?
God: you eat grass instead of meat.
Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!
IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?