My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
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Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.
Keith: Shut it.
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
[reading of my fathers will]
Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-
Me: heh, bequeath
Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’
Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?
Lawyer: no, he just knew
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
eating my hot dog hamburger style
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
Chicago sounds lovely.
Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.
Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.
Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.