My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
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me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
spot the difference
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.
You’ll make me nervous.
Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
Time for evil
Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?