@AnnaKendrick47: My life would be so much easier if it wasn't for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
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@KKAlThani: Good thing girls started uploading pictures next to a pool with the caption "Summer is finally here!" or we wouldn't have known it's summer.
@just1fool: I found a ten dollar bill on the ground once and thought, "This is as good as it's ever going to get. Buy some relish."
@weinerdog4life: Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn't a ghost
@abbycohenwl: I'm training my cats to use the bathroom like people. It really works! [cut to bathroom: two cats do cocaine off the toilet tank]