My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
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“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
That’s easy for you to say
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*
*watches people scream into the box*
That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.