My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
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I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs
good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.
4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.
Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer