My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
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Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it
ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?