@dlockw21: My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
@noog: I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
@Adyaces: Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It's my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there's Homer, Bart....
@KalvinMacleod: ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.
@SteveSuckington: Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
@AnkCoupleTO: [5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you'll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all