My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
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*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
I will cook for you
-me, threatening
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
genie: ok
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
me: *responds maybe to a fb event*
wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY
Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”