@dlockw21: My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
@Donna_McCoy: I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
@zachreinert03: I've never understood the whole 'burying people for fun at the beach'. The cops will just find the bodies when the tide comes
@ermahgarton: According to my bank account, I'm Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
@GibJimson: If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That's probably where I'm selling it at.
@withanewname: psychic: "I see... I see kids in your future"
me: "but I've had a vasectomy"
[9 months later ... me tending a goat farm]