@dlockw21: My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
@VaguelyFunnyDan: I'm just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you're changing your phone number and the next you're filing a restraining order.
@SodomyClown: I don't kill spiders because when spiders become our mutant overlords and eat us, they will look at me and say, "She's cool. Let her live."
@tastefactory: ME: Actually, her name is not Khaleesi. That's her Dothraki title. Her name is Daenerys Targaryen.
GUY ON SUBWAY: I didn't say anything
@iwearaonesie: [commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
@adam_bloomquist: Saw a billboard that said: Don't be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don't be distracted by driving and reading billboards.