My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
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Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!
Me: That’s exactly what that is.
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.
One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out
me: [turning around] who
Medusa: hey
friend: I said don’t look
statue:
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*