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@DumbConfessions: "My lips are sealed."
@Reverend_Scott: If I were a superhero, I'd be Pizza Man.
My one-liners would be cheesy, and I'd save you in 30 min or less, or your next criminal is free.
@angibangie: *Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don't waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
@iLightbulb: Me:I need to focus on work
Brain: Remember that sweet song on the radio this morning?
Me:Yeah that was sweet
Brain: Let's sing that instead
@funnybeachgirl: "I'M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!"
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
@joeyfullystated: Stranger man at the beach asked me, "Y'all got a boat?" I said we have three, but they're old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.