My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
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You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
Seas the day!!!!
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”