My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
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I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…
Bladder: better hurry up!
Back: woah, no sudden movements!
Foot: CRAMP!
Head: ouch, did we drink last night?
Neck: CRAMP!
Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!
Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…
If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!
The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust
Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt