My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.
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Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
Damn it!
*starts scraping off her stickers*
Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
[At a restaurant]
Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.
Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.
Me: Those don’t come with fries.
Husband: I know.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!
not to brag, but mine was free
me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
Comparing yourself to others
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
Tastes like chicken.
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
Same pineapple, same
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car