there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
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Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
If snakes were wide
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.