My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
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I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?
GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what
Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with