My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
You Might Also Like
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?
“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly