My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
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#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.
[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”
my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……
“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.