My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
You Might Also Like
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
From Facebook just now…
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.
I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.
VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »