My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
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If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”
Do I laugh or….?
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary numberDaughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license