Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
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Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again
Well, maybe we should get rid of it
The plant? But we just got it
. . .Haha yeah, the plant
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*
NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!
SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!