My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
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C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
[Breakfast]
My Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me
Genie: okay
Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel
Genie: k…
Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s
[McDonald’s]
Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂
Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*