If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
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I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids
Me: it’ll be me
5yo: eh, probably not
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
Check out the legs on this baby
My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
Tell me you get it…🤣