Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
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I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
Pigeon open mic night.
billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
Note to self: I am a note
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.
Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What’s Animal Crossing?
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.