My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.
You Might Also Like
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.
Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again
My work here is done
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative