My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
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I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-
ME: My dog doesn’t like it.
REALTOR: But I-
ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city
delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives
me: ..you’re so pretty
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed
Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me