My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
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If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
Appendi
Appendii
Appendiii
Appendiv
Appendv
Appendvi
Appendvii
Appendviii
Appendix
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay