@Adam_Leedham: You need to fix your sign you....you....you DIVS.

@KalvinMacleod: [pet store] COP: someone's been stealing puppies OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*

@vaaaader: When Girls Are On Their Period

@click4amanda: War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I'm busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.

@kumailn: "Count down to zero silently with your fingers and then do a fist pump." - SWAT manual on breaking down doors