And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
You Might Also Like
Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.
Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*
you gotta be faster
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
Parents: violence is never the answer
Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.