The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
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Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my ownME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed
[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
This kid is a star!
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.