My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
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have you guys heard of the butterfly effect, it’s when a small entity can have a nonlinear impact on an entire system, occasionally with severe consequences, like that time Rebecca Jones called me a “doodoo face” in 4th grade, then Chernobyl happened
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}
[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
OKAY DAD
me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents
HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am
Me: What a coincidence
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.