My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
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How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
[me flirting]
Cute guy: hey how’s it goin
Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES
Cute guy:
Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM
Cute guy: *backing away*
Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
6: I’m hungry
Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now
6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?
Husband: Oh no
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
God: you’re very small.
Ant: ok.
God: but really strong.
Ant: how strong?
God: you can-
Ant: can I lift a piano?
God: well-no.
Ant: can I lift a car?
God: no.
Ant: can I lift a-
God: you can lift a leaf.
Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
[PRESS CONFERENCE]
Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby
Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?
Me: sure, whoever
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.