@TwoSapphiresBlu: My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
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@Elizasoul80: My child: Mom, there's a monster under my bed. Me: "That's impossible, they're all running for president right now."
@MUMSIEesq: Anytime I pass an unlocked minivan I throw a few of my kids' most annoying toys in the trunk.
@PaperWash: I'v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He's gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I'm showing these emails to his wife.
@hardlyrelevant: [I time travel to 1998] Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs