@SondraDeeMe: My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she'd pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
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@Douchekevin: SHHHHH!!!!!!! I just got followed by a Jehovah Witness. All of you keep quiet and pretend we aren't home...
@Lowenaffchen: I used to worry about offending people's moms on facebook but now they all post memes like "I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children"
@ibid78: Judge: You're sentenced to death. You'll be hung. Wife from the back: HE'S ALREADY HUNG. Me: Your Honor uncuff me so I can high five my wife
@markedly: [christmas morning] ME: I have no gifts to bring EVERYONE: booooo ME: ...pa rum pum pum pum EVERYONE: yayyyyyy