@SondraDeeMe: My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she'd pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
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@Reverend_Scott: Good thing Father's Day is only one day. I don't think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
@mattgallo123: Whenever I'm drinking gatorade and wearing gym clothes I wonder if people think I'm exercising or if they know I'm hungover on laundry day.
@pizzasauceboss: *wakes up early* *goes for morning jog* *calls wife to pick him up because he's made a terrible mistake*
@Shot_Of_Cabo: Impress your wife by cleaning something she just cleaned and then proudly announce, "There! Now it's clean."