My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
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Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
*Shovel
*Lye
*GlovesCashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
I love you…
…r dog.
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
Snapes on a plane.
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
[Clown College]
Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-
Pennywise: *raising hand*
Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?
Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid
Dropped mother-in-law at airport.
Her flight isn’t until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.
Classic German Shepherd 😂