My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
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The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
Him: I like bad girls.
Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.
Him:
Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.