My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
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Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to runThis concludes your parenting course.
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.
[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.