@d_whitehouse: My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
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@just1fool: The last beer didn't tell me why life is so confusing but it told me the next one would.
@bdbdleeroybrown: My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
@markhoppus: Me: A 3-hour movie?! Who does that?! Also me: I will now watch all 13 hours of this tv series in one sitting.