My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
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A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
no!! no!!!!!!
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight
KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?
DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No
FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
HULK WANT LOAN
Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.
GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit