The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
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Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.
11-year-old: I did.
Me: They’re still on the floor.
11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:
Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
Just got to our Airbnb!
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.