There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.
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Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
Uh oh…
*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
medium: so you want to contact your wife
me: I can still hear her voice
wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin
me: it’s like she’s watching me
wife: [through window] I forgot my keys
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.