@DallyDoll: My microwave beeps if I don't open the door within 30 seconds of it stopping. I'm fat, microwave. I won't forget there's food in there.
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@Sarcasticsapien: I only discriminate against people who discriminate. I'm basically the Dexter of discrimination.
@simoncholland: My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I'm afraid it wants to murder me.
@envydatropic: If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol