@DallyDoll: My microwave beeps if I don't open the door within 30 seconds of it stopping. I'm fat, microwave. I won't forget there's food in there.
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@funnyordie: The Walking Dead or the Grammys. Do you watch the bloodthirsty monsters ready to eat each other to survive or do you go with Walking Dead?
@gfoster18: Around 70% of the earth is made up of water, and the other 30% is filled with news articles about George Zimmerman
@BuckyIsotope: FROM: Harvard SUBJ: Your PhD application We are unable to accept you at this time as "Teaching Squirrels Karate" is too cool for us.
@cervixsmash: Dad: Why are you eyes so red, son? Son: I smoked weed, dad Dad: Don't lie to me, you were crying because you are a faggot