My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
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Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
How to woo a woman
As the Lord intended
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.
So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
Lmfao
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.