My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.
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I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
[Home Depot]
Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.
Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?
Me: No. It worked great
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
Reasons to not eat cookies:
– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.End of list
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
Life hack :
Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.
‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.
[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.