@perlapell: My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
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@Amazon_Blonde: 911 what is your emergency? Me: "My 6 year old hasn't stopped talking since he got home" 911: "stay calm ma.. Me: MY EARS ARE BLEEDING
@robdelaney: 9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
@OhNoSheTwitnt: How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin's kids?