@perlapell: My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
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@LostInAisle3: It never fails: whenever I'm at a crime scene, analyzing blood splatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I'm a CSI.
@Kennedydp5: I couldn't remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
@dafloydsta: [date] HER: Do you like Star Wars? ME: Of course HER: Which character do you identify with? ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space