My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
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My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
“OK men, spread out.”
“Oat?”
“What?”
“Spread oats?”
“Spread out.”
“One oat?”
“Dammit.”
Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.