My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
You Might Also Like
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.