@DrLickenstein: my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
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@Marcmywords2: Hey dad, the hospital called, patients are trying to rest, could you please turn down your television.
@ElliotHetherton: [Funeral] He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying "it's fine, they're way more scared of us than we are of them"
@petfurniture: "why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?" because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
@shkeeber: Me: Whatcha making? Mom: Dill bread. Me: So, do you have yeast on your dill dough? Mom: Get out.