my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
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Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
#inspiration #foodforthought
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane
Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
hackers play passwordle
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
“That’s what” – She
How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”