@Jesssicle: My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I'm like "Get outta here boys! I didn't get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!"
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@PhilLaysheO: Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it. Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.
@Jake_Vig: [engineer looking at blueprints] "Well, here's your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll."
@RobertDuffy91: I refrain from jogging in the morning because according to Law & Order: SVU there is a 95% chance you'll find a dead body