@UNTRESOR: My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. :(
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@XplodingUnicorn: 4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat? Me: No. You always go in the potty 4: I can stop Me: Apparently I negotiate with terrorists
@RoosterMustache: ME: want anything for breakfast? BOSS: just banana [struggling to hold office door shut] ANA: let me in! ME: sorry boss said to ban you
@donjuantip: ALCOHOL. Because no good story ever began with, "So, I was sitting there eating this salad..."