My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
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alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.